You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
