why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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