I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
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