I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
