his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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