guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
