if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
