Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
