Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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