update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He passed out mid-signature
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
