the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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