Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
