I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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