I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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