I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize