you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
