K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
