guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
