I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
