If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
