it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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