He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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