Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
