i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
