Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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