I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
That's when you crack a 10am beer
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
