someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
