My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
