I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
