My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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