i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
