I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
