a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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