my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I don't deserve a penis
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
