i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
