My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Sorry about my life...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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