so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
