glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
whose parrot is this?
My breasts were aching with rage.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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