Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
