We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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