chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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