What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
