I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
