I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
