I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
