I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
So many bounce houses so little time
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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