I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
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