Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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