I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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