My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
