guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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