My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hippo gnu deer
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
